i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
