Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
