I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
