it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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