Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
