This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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