note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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