Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
