Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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