Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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