my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
