She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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