anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
