I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My feet surprised me
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