He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
