Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
All the doctor said was why
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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