Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
