what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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