Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
