I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
