shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
