I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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