Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
