I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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