Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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