are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
