the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i love accidental penises.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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