at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
