the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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