So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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