remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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