Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
