so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
