every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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