They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I have aggressive nipples.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
