all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
