well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
