I cockslap morals
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
