omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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