A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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