Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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