All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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