Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Randomize
