today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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