what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
