Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
