My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
