3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
