i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
