best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
