I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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